[Editor’s note: the original title of this piece is “Driving Down Peach Tree Doing 80 in a 50 While Taking a Selfie and Calling My Bestie to Tell Her About This Guy I Met”]
If this title confused you, then hold onto your bootstraps, purse straps, jockstraps, and whatever type of strap you can find because it’s about to be a bumpy ride!
The art of dating is quite arguably one of thee most exhausting journeys I have ever been on. If I had to describe it, I would say it feels like a full-time job with no benefits or weekends off. A never-ending cycle of great beginnings that ultimately turn into broken promises, goofy behavior, silly unexplained emojis, and emotions that are left on the table.
Oh boy, this is super fun, said no one ever!
Grab a glass of wine, get comfy, this is about to get real interesting! Who am I kidding, just bring the bottle because you are going to need it!
Playing out the intro of my night:
“Do you come here often?”
“Oh yeah, every 3rd Tuesday of the month, because that’s when the single folks come out to play.”
Let’s rewind that because no one asks that corny antiquated question. Right?!
Anyway, here we go. Take 2:
Semi-sexy guy at the bar says, “Hello, beautiful.” I hear him, however, I’m not quite sure he is talking to me as there are other people at the bar. Let’s quickly access the scene here. To the right are two older women eating what appears to be beets and sipping tea with amazingly perfect tight granny curls, so I’m almost certain he is not trying to chat it up with the Golden Girls.
To the left is an attractive woman, however, she is slightly buff so unless he is into being flipped and dipped, I don’t think he was talking to her either. Well, that only leaves me. So, game on buddy!
I slowly glance in his direction very nonchalantly and he is smiling so hard I can see most of his teeth. I don’t want to stare and give off creep vibes so I can’t tell if his teeth are so bright because he has really good hygiene or if they are veneers. I mean who doesn’t love a guy with a brand-new set of pearly white porcelain chompers? Oh well, I didn’t put on my super cute shoes tonight for nothing!
I finally say hello back as unbothered as I can. “Oh, hi, how are you?” More of a statement than an actual question. What if he responded that he was having a horribly bad day? Would I be obligated to console and counsel this stranger? Of course, I would. What kind of person do you think I am? Or at least chat it up with him until my to-go order is ready. But that didn’t happen, so keep reading!
Small talk begins, which turns into deeper conversation accompanied by real genuine laughs, another round of drinks, and before realizing it, the conversation has been going on for over an hour until he says I need to run to the restroom. “Oh yeah, no problem, I’ll see you when you get back.”
We haven’t even exchanged numbers and I respond sounding like Captain Goofy McGooftroop. See you when you get back from urinating? We all get a pass to say one silly thing that we can strike from the books. That was mine.
He smiles, proceeds to stand up and all I can think is, please don’t let him be the height of a Hobbit or walk like Fred Sanford! As I nervously watch him walk away, I am beyond relieved! A quick text to the girls that everything is checking out and the phone returns to do not disturb mode. Not only is he out of the cuddly height zone, his walk is perfectly fine. He returns and says he enjoyed our conversation and would like to continue, so we exchange numbers.
The feeling that you don’t want it to end because it just feels so damn good, but you really do because you can’t wait to call your best friend and tell her about your night! We have all heard ‘If it seems too good to be true…’, you know the rest.
As many times as I have been down this road, my optimism gets the best of me and I am once again keeping hope alive. The miniature angelic version of myself is whispering softly in my ear that he was so sweet and he even ordered my favorite dessert! I mean who doesn’t love chocolate anything. So, that has to count for something. Meanwhile, the gargantuan-sized demonic version of myself is screaming that I had to ask him to walk me to my car so I should growl at him while blocking his number, run, keep going past go, and don’t stop!
As I shake any negative thoughts from my mind, I call my best friend to tell her about my cool night that ended up being a date with a complete stranger. Never in the history of neverdom has a woman met an attractive, potentially promising man and not called her best friend to give her the full and complete run down. We giggle about his teeth and rejoice in his non-Hobbit stature. Yay for small satisfying victories.
My bestie asked, “So, are you going to wait for him to call, or what?” I respond quickly and very assertively, “Girl yes, you know I am not getting ready to call him first and give off desperate vibes!”
Driving home on Cloud 9 my mind is all over the place. So far, I have named the dogs we will adopt, planned summer cookouts, invited him to meet my family at Christmas, and signed us up for a couples-only cruise the following summer. Don’t judge me. I’m a planner!
As I look down at my phone, I see a text from the semi-sexy guy from the bar with possible fake teeth. But I shall overlook that minor infraction and see what he has to say.
The text read like this, and I quote, “Hi Karen, I had a really great time, you are such a beautiful and amazing woman, you smelled even better than you look and I can’t wait to get to know you more.”
I am smiling from ear to ear and can’t wait to tell my girls he sent a text on the first night. He’s giving me all types of butterfly vibes. After a fun yet long night, I just want to crawl into bed, maybe watch something on TV and eventually fall asleep. But first, I will text him back letting him know I made it home safely and can’t wait to get to know him as well.
Conversation is key in anything that can potentially flourish into something great. Still smiling, I notice the first major red flag, my name is Lisa! My response, read like this, and I quote! “Hey there, it was great meeting you as well, you seemed so nice, intelligent, great convo, however, you called me Karen! Did you mean to send that text to me?”
Red Flags are defined as the following: suspicious patterns or practices or specific activities that indicate the possibility of identity theft.
This semi-sexy guy clearly stole someone else’s identity that night because I never heard from him again. A complete and total bummer to say the least. The emotions work in a few ways.
At least I found out early that he was a total and complete waste of my time.
I hate that I freed up space in my mind thinking this was the start of something great.
Well, back to the drawing board I go!
As annoying, frustrating, and bothersome as the art of dating can be I continue forward, hoping and praying the one meant just for me is out there. At this point, I’m not sure if he has been born yet but a girl can dream, right?
“I’m not single. I’m in a long-distance relationship because my boyfriend lives in the future.” |THIS ENT
[By A. Jones]
A writer, blogger, and dreamer, AJ writes and blogs from her home in Indiana. You can also find her work as a contributing writer at Groov Magazine. And have a peek inside AJ’s Diary.
